Facing Fear Series Intro: Everyone deals with fear on some level. I’m currently in a season of facing fear myself. I decided to open up and share some experiences I have had in the past, and I’m hoping you’ll benefit. Today’s post is all about facing the fear of being single, specifically for those asking “Will I Ever Get Married?”
Being afraid of being single until we are “old & dead” is a real feeling. You know what I mean? Sitting across the table with other single adults, but they don’t love Jesus the way you do, and honestly, you don’t find them attractive. That’s when the question comes up “will I ever get married?”
It’s a mixed up feeling. I know that feeling, when you’re hanging out with friends and then it’s over and you’re not driving away with your person. Or that feeling of having no one to text when you’re bored in line somewhere “adulting.” This is the stuff they don’t tell you about, like ever?! Have you read that phrase on a coffee cup “Don’t grow up, it’s a trap!”? The person who came up with that phrase, probably knows that feeling.
That “lesser-than” feeling can get heavy sometimes, because it’s not a feeling we are supposed to carry. It is a feeling rooted in shame and lacking hope. It makes us look at ourselves and despise what we see or don’t see. It’s a sneaky feeling that can make us question God, or at least doubt Him, His ways and His motives towards us.
Singlehood shouldn’t cause us to question our Creator and His timeline for our lives. God isn’t keeping something from you. (Or maybe He is? Because maybe you’re not ready, and He doesn’t want you to mess something up.) Singlehood is a gift, that we (yes, WE! including married people) have to embrace. The gift of singleness should be used to do two things: 1. Develop who YOU are (character, dreams, education, career, etc.) and 2. Extend the Kingdom of God in your city and around the world! (Trust me, friends, you have the time.)
For many, marriage can represent a right of passage into adulthood, and you are not a complete adult until you are married. This is a lie. We have idolized marriage. I know of single adults who have their lives together because they have found their identity in Christ. They don’t need another human, also created by God, to define them and give them security in who they are.
Singlehood is a partnership, a partnership between the single adult and the Holy Spirit. Together the two can create change in the single adults world, their school, work, family, and friends, but also to the part of their world they don’t always notice, the barista at the cafe, the person bagging their groceries, or the homeless person on the street corner in the freezing cold, for instance.
You are in partnership with Christ, until your spouse arrives, or if your spouse never arrives, because you’re not supposed to get married. You have the Holy Spirit, and He is very capable of supporting you, helping you, and celebrating with you the life you are living. You just have to learn to lean into your relationship with Him. In fact, learning to lean into Jesus is the exact thing you’ll have to do if you get married. Even though I am married, I still need the Holy Spirit to remind me how much He loves me and how capable and beautiful He thinks I am, so that way I can be a good wife and mom. So, lean into the Holy Spirit.
Now, I am sure you’re all wondering if I am going to address the big question. WHAT ABOUT SEX? Well, Let me ask you a question. If you are worried you won’t ever get to have sex that isn’t considered sin, but you are sleeping around, or throwing shade, or getting into debt, or arguing with your parents every weekend because you won’t contribute to the workload at home, would that godly spouse that you want, want you? Or want to have sex with you? Of course not. Sex is hard work, it is a responsibility.
Okay, what if you are a put-together adult? What if you are responsible and have your attitude in check? My reply to that question is, if you’re worried you’re missing out on something, you are! You’re missing out on hard work. If you’re afraid that you are limited, you are! You can’t have sex, but that’s about it, because all the hard work in a marriage context is all the hard work you have to do in your relationship with Jesus. Think about it… Communication (prayer and reading the Bible), Quality Time (devotions), Family Time (involvement at church), etc. The point I am trying to make is a life without sex, is not an incomplete life. Now a life with out coffee… that’s debatable. 😉
Be encouraged! There is a purpose to your singleness. Begin to let go of the shame you are feeling. Don’t believe the lie that you aren’t a complete adult unless you are married. It’s simply not true. Remember, only Christ can complete you. Fill your days by guarding your heart, stay busy developing you, go after the projects and support the causes that matter most to you, extend the Kingdom of God, champion the local church and serve your family and friends without questioning God’s perfect plan for your life. Sooner than you know it, you’ll no longer be facing fear, but facing a life filled with purpose. Does that make sense?
Okay, married readers, share this post like crazy, let’s help our single friends let go of shame and embrace their singlehood!
Side Note: If I could say anything to singles desiring to marry one day: Marry your best friend, not someone you “fall in love” with. Best friends fight and are still on each others side, some nights you don’t have sex and it’s all good, and the feeling of love comes and goes. #RealTalk xo, sa